The Orphan Manual

          Ж     A Loneliness Manifesto   Ж

I’ve been described as a version of George Carlin if he was raised by wolves and taught English through HR write ups.

-Mikhail Krylov

Dear Miss Hannigan,

January 23

Well, we can’t all grow up to be on Dance Moms. Some of us have to be the coked out strippers of the world. I wasn’t sure what to do with my life so I decided on becoming a writer because I figured I’m really good at rejection and talking to myself while drinking gin. I met a Russian named Kiril and can now understand what Celine Dion sings about. I tried to find my parents but I don't think they did their Ancestry.com test. I did, however, find out that I’m not Jewish which is a real relief because I didn’t really want to live in Boca Raton when I got older. I created a Spotify playlist called Love Songs for Orphans. Don’t ever use AI for opinions on jokes about suicide, using drugs, or circumcision. In fact, don’t use AI at all for creativity because those last episodes of Stranger Things fucking sucked.

Infinite Jest is not a good read unless you are a recovering heroin addict and have nothing better to do and you’ve already read the Bible. Honestly, I don’t know which one is more boring between the two but I’m pretty sure David Foster Wallace wrote it to get back at some college tennis bullies because nobody but someone who grows up playing tennis is going to have any idea what the fuck he is talking about. Someone once told me I reminded them of Mitch Hedberg which I thought was funny because I’ve only done two drugs in my life, love and Jesus and neither of them worked out for me. That was a meta joke. Meta is the word you use when you understand Plato's Cave Allegory and want to sound like an arrogant prick.

I think I have a loneliness problem but it's hard to tell the difference between that, being a writer, and liking to drink gin at midnight while you listen to your neighbors have sex in the apartment next door. I guess that's what you get when you move to Philadelphia. It's very easy nowadays to talk without actually saying anything of substance. Oftentimes this is because people do not know what they are talking about because it is very easy to be out of touch with reality nowadays. Overall I find that being an orphan benefited me and I feel bad for people that have parents and that level of blissfulness that gets them addicted to strippers with cocaine addictions. I have included some of the pieces I’ve been working on. Feel free to judge me as I enjoy the attention.

Dear Miss Hannigan,

February 4th

I’m thinking of either going to Tirupati or Machu Picchu where I plan on doing ayahuasca and having sex with the locals. Or I’ll just stay in, open a bottle of gin, put on Barfly, and continue the work of writing poorly written suicide letters in the form of books. Fear not for my safety, for I probably have a brain tumor. I equate attempting to get a literary agent's attention to that of an orphan trying to find parents. So far I have failed both expenditures. I just don’t know how that bitch Anne Franke got published.

There is a usually a moment when I’m on my third drink that I regret not fucking Eric, the bartender at the Olive Garden. I had made it a habit to stop by his bar after my shift and flirt with him. He always had that song Days Go By playing at his bar. It's not like we didn’t both want each other. But I rejected him because I told myself that I would regret not having a bar to go to after my shift. I’m aware that I’m an asshole to myself and I guess as an adult orphan I abandoned my own needs sometimes. Sorry, that's the third gin talking. I think I often make things far more complex in my mind than they sometimes need to be which is probably why I frequently talk to AI. I’m surprised they haven’t gotten more orphans to endorse AI. Do not listen to the advice of strangers on the internet because they are just as stupid as the stupid people on the street.