The Orphan Manual

I left mine at the orphanage, so I had to write a new one. Introducing the greatest orphan bible on the market(and the only one). Clinically proven^[1] to cure your lonely orphanism.

What is Orphanism

It's not in the DSM-5 because let's be honest, nobody cares about the orphans. We’re  barely a footnote in the bible^[2], so I wrote this manual as an act of revenge. A survival guide. A confession booth.

What’s inside

—Things I Have Said That Got Me Fired 

        A growing list. Updated daily.

— Did You Ask God

        An unhinged spiritual section featuring the only religious advice an orphan trust. None

—NSFW Jokes(Technically I felt pretty safe saying them )

—Pixie(Smut)

Because no proper manual should leave you sexually uneducated.

—Do You Want Gum Or Money?

        Essential social scripts for surviving America.

—Bad unseen Stand-Up(the cops filmed it) 

        If you thought the written material was problematic—wait til you see what I cut.

What this ~Orphan Manual~ actually is:

A gonzo-fueled survival guide. A trauma-comedy disguised as self-help. A Russian-American Notes From The Underground for the Tik-Tok generation. A long petty diary entry about being lonely,poor,high,lost,horny,ambitious,spiritually feral, and very much alive.

I’m a Russian-American writer who blends dark comedy with social critique, centered on loneliness, class performance, and the private economies of desire. My storytelling is shaped by a unique personal trajectory: I was born in Siberia, spent time in an orphanage, and later worked professionally for over a decade in the luxury hospitality industry(including time with Ritz-Carlton) in the United States and now use that world as the stage for my fiction. My work draws heavily from real experience—banquet halls, hotel lobbies, and night-shift corridors. Places where performance, power, and identity quietly collide. I would also like to use my orphan card now. I normally wait until after sex when I make them cuddle with me for fifteen minutes.

I would be happy to send the full manuscript or any additional materials at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

In certain circles this is my 5th debut novel. That was a Petrashevsky Circle joke.