The Orphanage Times

(Stories you don’t want to hear about but are forced to because the orphans have nothing better to do)

(It's Sorta Like Poetry But A Lot More Depressing, Cynical, And Funny)

I love writing, there is nothing like it east of Siberia .You will never be more alone than when you are with your own thoughts and that is somehow a comforting notion. A not comforting thing is that you are probably the only one you know doing this and that is where the loneliness for the writer comes from. Thank some one’s god there is vodka.- Mikhail Krylov

Why Banquets made me a Nihilist ( 2019)

What we tell ourselves to justify fifty an hour is on the border of delusional and insanity  

I am not the urn of coffee that you overpaid for

I am not the buffet of food I set out for you to eat

I am the motivation to take your coffee garbage  

I am the motivation to replace your soup

I am the motivation to give you more butter

I am Jack’s unmotivated banquet server

I notice the few tea bags missing

I notice the smudge on the coffee urn

I notice the order of soda and juice

I notice that none of this fucking matters

I am Jack’s Wall Street Journal

I am the buffet leftovers I eat

I am the stolen cigar

I am the wikipedia page that i read about your organization

Ladling soup at lunch is just like the soup kitchens

I can offer you a boardroom to fuck on during a wedding

I can offer you a boardroom to snort coke

I can offer you a boardroom for the hostile takeover

What we tell ourselves to justify fifty an hour is on the border of delusional and insanity  

I am not the cigarette breaks

I am not the coffee refresh

I am not the dinner cornbread

I am not the votive placement  

I am not the salt and pepper placement

The staff is eating Lamb Lollipops at your expense

Jack doesn’t care about your fucking entitlement

Jack wants to fuck you

Jack returned the rolex to you

I am Jack’s wasted life

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Luke (2024)

I tried to get a job as a writer but nobody wanted my skills in writing a suicide letter. What does a suicide letter even look like? What if they do it with lipstick on the dinner table? Suicide message? Do you think anyone ever draws a picture? Do people keep suicide letters? How come they don’t make a museum of famous suicide letters? Are they really letters? Or are they just notes?  

I’m in the process of writing my own suicide letter. Well actually mine is called a latter which means you read it later{Thats fucking stupid }

Orphan joke:

I have no interest in spreading my orphan genes as a good orphan does—actually, even if I had a kid, am I obligated to give it to an orphanage? Omg, is this the fine print? Because technically, the only way to produce an orphan is by…And that's when me and my son teamed up to murder parents, producing orphans left and right or so I thought. What actually happened is that, I said that all out loud in the hospital and they wouldn’t let me leave with the child. And now I have a warrant for my arrest in the state of Georgia…for the second time.

There’s only one way to spread orphanisom… Yes, I’m racist. I believe that orphans are inherently superior. We call ourselves the PP__Pan’s Protege’s and we do orphan things.

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PY Fucks ( 2022)

Prepare yourself. The filtered monsoon rain water is coming…

I’m normally a closet racist but these Wednesday Fuck’s belong in there own caste system. I believe Gonzo called them “ The Great Whites” but they come in all sizes here. These people are surely stuck on some 80’s American dream as some of them spend their social security checks on this fucked 35 dollar Prime Rib American Dream. I watch the Prime Fuck's eat like a modern day horse race, trying to determine who will give up first to only have me box up their American Dream. It's only fitting that they gave up on the American Dream as they always have shallow statements to make about anything. It really is just an Modern day American Tragedy—They should have gone to college. I shouldn’t have gone to college, then I wouldn't be serving these Prime Rib Fucks.

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Best Selling (2022)

The only self-help book I need is anything on the New York Best Seller List category because if the book is read by a city that has eight million people, it must be right. Currently it's The Intellectual Devotional which only seems to lead to more questions but I can agree on the Socratic paradox of “ I know that I know nothing” which seems to be the only thing that I can’t argue with at this moment. The Intellectual Devotional also seems to give me an existential crisis. If only we could get all the existential thinkers into the same room and just have them talk it out. I wonder if Republicans read self help books or are they still not wanting to be told what to do.

I see a lot of books on the New York Best Seller List  and I am beginning to think that it's not that hard to become a New York Best Seller. For example, look at Beanie Babies; Best sellers for a few years and now, completely worthless. So what the hell is the New York Best Seller list really selling? A list of completely worthless ideals that no one will care about in two years. Perhaps it should be called The New York Best Seller of Worthless Ideas.

I look at all the books at the bookstore and I often think as to why I couldn’t be one of these authors. I would even settle for a used bookstore author where the cat lays out on the book for its afternoon nap. I spent the pandemic working at Amazon and they had a section where they sold small things that were usually composed of Vitamin bottles and small books. Every time I picked up either of these items I always asked myself a series of questions; What does this actually do for you; Who is buying this; Who is publishing this work; Why can’t I get published.These were bizarre books that were in one warehouse, in one section, being sold during a pandemic. And none of them were on the New York Best Seller List. So I guess, fuck me then. Perhaps then I should be trying to achieve the Amazon Warehouse Inventory List. Yes, as a writer I want to achieve being at the Amazon Warehouse Section, next to the Lilac Vitamin.

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Alien Ant Farm(2025)

“ Time will pass, will you?” That's what the note said on the clock in that 7th grade class. I couldn’t let this mockery stand so I attempted to take the note off the clock. Unfortunately I didn’t know it wasn;t attached to the wall and it fell and hit some girl on the head. Which I had instant remorse about. That teacher had a kid that was in the same grade as me who I grew up with. Long story short, that kid committed suicide and I’m not sure if I get credit for the kill.”

        [Producer]” Why do you think you killed him?”

“ Am I not a sleeper cell? Do you know how many people have died that have known me? That guy offing himslef is a lot like Alien Ant Farm, They did one memorable thing with their lives and then disappeared.”

[Producer]” That's a bit insensitive don’t you think?”

“ How? He’s dead now, what does care?.I have like fifteen other dead people to make fun of after him. Starting with Anne Frank.”

“How do I sell this fucking show? For real though. Because those assholes aren’t going to get the satisfaction. I’ve been a closet writer for most of my adult life. Think Anne Frank if she hadn’t died and was a man.”

“I think that’s a cheap Anne Frank joke and that I think you think it's funny but isn’t. And you’re like Anne Frank because you also write like a 14 year old girl.”

“Are we going to be able to say this?”

“ I would love to tell you yes, but the jews control the media so probably not.”