Everywhere I turned I found a Banquet…

How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never served in a banquet? What kind of buffet defines me as an individual?

When you’re working in a banquet, you’re never really awake and you’re never really asleep.

Life insurance pays triple if you die on a banquet job.

How I came into Banquet is this; hotels have this policy about vibrating luggage. 9 out of 10 times it’s an electric razor. But every once in a while, it’s a dildo. It’s of course company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo and have to use the indefinite article, a dildo and never your dildo.

It was right in everybody’s face, Banquet and I just made it visible. It was on the tip of everybody’s tongue, Banquet and I just gave it a name. Every week Banquet gave the rules that we decided on.

You do not talk about Banquets. If this is your first time at a Banquet, you have to lead serve.

But Banquet only exists in the hours between when the Banquet starts and when the Banquet ends. Who you were in a Banquet is not who you were on the outside. Even if I wanted to tell somebody he did a good coffee setup, I wouldn’t be talking to the same person. Self-improvement is masterbation.

We all started seeing the world differently. Banquet wasn’t about winning or losing, Banquets became the reason to shave your nose hair or take your cat for a walk. When banquet was over, nothing was solved but nothing mattered. Afterwords we all felt saved. We used to look at pornography, now it was the banquet schedule.

You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.

This week each one of you have a homework assignment. You’re going to go out and set up a buffet with a complete stranger. Most people (normal people) do anything to prevent a buffet from happening.

I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

The ability to let that, which does not truly matter, truly slide. You are not your Banquet bar, you are not your Banquet’s silverware, and you are not your fucking sterno.  You are the all singing, all dancing, crap of this world. Sooner or later we all became what Banquets wanted us to become. Banquet built its army. In Banquets we trusted.

We drive your taxi, we connect your calls, we guard you while you sleep; do not fuck with us.

His name is Robert Paulson!

And then Banquets was gone. It was now called project Pineapple. I started hotel hoping just knowing there was a banquet close by.

I was in a state of deja vu, I felt like I had just worked a banquet

I am Jack’s wasted life.

Six years and 6 Ritz-Carlton’s and with other stories that may include lobsters

Because if you are going to try

Not once did I serve lobster to people. Because lobster is the cockroach of the sea. I also didn’t eat octopus because its a fucking Alien. Here’s how you know you are in a cult.You move across the country multiple times. Being an Orphan probably doesn’t help either. Tatar. Tatar.

I don’t know or have ever known the price of milk. Not because I never bought any but because I never needed to worry about the price of milk. So why the fuck do I know what a Gueridon is? Or that Hepp makes the best silverware. I’ve also learned to fold a napkin 10 different times and walked past Mr. Smart walking down Wall Street once. I also never needed to know if I could smell wood in my wine because I’m an alcoholic and I don’t care about stupid stuff. Don’t worry, all the good ones are alcoholics. The most I ever worked was 19 hours in a day. Yes, I took my break. By far my favorite thing to do was the Champagne Parade. Or carve the Tomahawk steak which I would always save a small slice on the bone so I could rip into it. Sorry, I didn’t go to college.

Willy Wonka wasn’t even received when it came out. But it was re-released in 1996. I have this long lasting joke with myself that I have caused many things since coming to this country.* That was a stupid attempt at a 9/11 joke.  

I hate being told I’m funny because I fucking know I’m funny. Do you really expect the orphan to not know why he craves the attention of strangers. Sorry I’m not Matt fucking Rife. I’m more like Robin Williams and I’m not just blindly saying that. I bought the biography the day it came out.

Classified information is only available in the orphan manual.