GRWM(2024)
Get Ready With Me
- Get up from bed and kick the dog.(yup, still dead)
- Look at mirror and begin Existential thinking.(I could totally become a rapper)
- Get some coffee
- Pour Whiskey in Coffee
- Duck! My pet raccoon is making a mess in my house(Its mating season)
- Turn the porn on for background music
- Make attempt #1064 in trying to suck own dick
- Grandma comes down from the bathroom and reminds you to stop being a “ Jerk Off”
- Grandma tries to humiliate you by switching the porn to gay porn
- You threaten to get her driver’s license revoked
- Grandma tries to defend Jefrey Epstin
- This is what got her kicked out of the retirement house.
(Do they make retirement homes for just comedians?)
- Finally masterbate.Again.
And that's how I get ready for school kids. Any Questions? Yes, I do pick employers based on whether or not I feel they will take care of me.( Is that an Orphan thing?)(probably.)
Suicide is obvisly a serious and tragic event but how many people do you think decided to clean there house before they do it? And then decide not to do it. Is that why the women were found cleaning in the 50’s. They were just fighting there suicidal tendencies.
Suicide is also the ultimate argument winner. Which is Ironic. All you have to say is, it could be worse. Which you probably shouldn’t say if you aren't fully aware if your partner has any homicide tendieses. You would think life insurance companies would care more about this kind of stuff.
Welcome to being a functional alcoholic:
” I don’t get jokes” Are you fucking idiot?
“I’ve been called by some, the David Foster Wallace of social media. Or the Kafka of social media, depending on who you ask.”
“Jim! I can hear you watching porn in the bathroom stall. ”Jim gives a blank stare. “ And I can hear you masterbating”
During interviews:
“ I see that you’ve moved around alot.”
“ Hotels are like orphanages to me. Because as an adult I’m still not allowed to have a home.”
“ I also see that you have mental illness, like the other orphans”
“ How else was I going to explain living in my sister's garage?”
“ I see you’ve had many jobs all over the place. Were you some sort of criminal?”
“ Not for any reason you need to be concerned about.”
“ Who would need to be concerned?”
“ My grandma. I’ve been stealing her fuel points for years…by years I mean since Russia invaded Ukraine. “
I get to pick when I’m in my niece and nephews lives. Just like Gandalf was with the hobbits. Walks around where ever the fuck he wants. I bet you Gandalf was an orphan.
“How do you think you’re doing”( Broadcaster to Coach)
“ What are you talking about?? I’m fucking freaking out! My team fucking sucks. And what's worse, is I just signed a new contract so my wife could afford a breast job, because that's what you get when you make a woman you met in the Philippines when you were 21, because she said “ I LOVE YOU LONG TIME”; your wife . But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that I found a plot for my murder because my wife also took my money and set up a life insurance policy on me, which she goes ahead and increases as I have made more money over the years. So believe me, nobody cares more and doesn’t give a fuck about how we’re doing in this game than me. Next question!”
“I’m sorry, the mic’s weren’t on. Could you repeat that? Please”
“ I gamble on these games sometimes…Unfortunately, so does my wife ”