I spent a year working at Amazon during the Pandemic. The following is the madness that ensued during and after.
Key West
Thinking about picking a bar of solitude in key west is giving me anxiety
2400 miles
3.5
2424/25= 97
3.5 x 97= 340
Tucson-San Antonio
San Antonio - Pensacola, FL
Pensacola, FL- Fort Lauderdale
Fort Lauderdale - Key West
We knew that we were a better choice of solitude than who we picked.
They Will Say
They will say
They will always say something
Because there is always something to be said
Operation V
I've been on the other end… of the champagne pouring and such
Mr.Perfectly Fine
VS Rollerball
Hand lotion
Box with rose petals
Card
Chocolate
I can help you and you can help me from myself
Get one floral box and fill it with rose petals. Put a box of chocolate and lotion inside with a hand written note that reads; Every thought of you turns into a daydream of a lifetime. Make sure you think alot about the three weeks of hotel hopping in Florida.
Descartes said “ I think, therefore I am”. When I think, it's usually a story. A love story mostly
Of course love is a messy and delicate disaster but we all fall for it
If I Was Going To Try
If I was going to try, I would move to a place I’ve never been to
If I was going to try, I would live in a four bedroom establishment that didn’t have any plates or utensil
If I was going to try, i would jump the subway turnstile
If I was going to try, I would try to go all the way
This could all lead to isolation, termination, masterbation
I would sleep overnight in the back of a car after losing at the casino
I would stick my head out of a Uber going down the freeway so I could puke, after winning at the casino
I would spend all night and early morning at the casino only to break even
If I was going to try, I would try to go all the way
I would work the sixteen hour days and reach that sleep deprivation high
I would make friends from all over the country
I would meet celebrities and famous people
It would mean starving and sleeping on the hard floor
It would mean drinking bud light
It would mean being evicted and having a security deposit stolen
It would mean losing my mind in a warehouse
I wasn’t going to listen about the ordinary
I wasn’t going to be the unique snowflake
I wasn’t going to look back and wonder
I wasn’t going to be something I’m not
If I was going to try, I was going to go all the way
I was going to lose love
I was going to find Bukowski, Bourdain,Camus and Gonzo
I was going to buy the painting
I was going to embrace the absurd
If i was going to try, I would do it this way
I’ll Grow up Next Summer
There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin states;
“ It's hot in here ” And the other muffin states;
“ I spent over a year in a painful isolation where I contemplated what I had really done with my life and chased the memories with vodka. I discovered the obsoleteness of everything and my own self worth had been depleted in its entirety that I could not put pen to paper. It was after finding Camus that I turned all the unhappiness and loneliness into absurdities and my outlook on life was changed. I began to tell the bluies of my failed absurdities. It was then that I began to scrape for food like I once had.The deja vu increased with every interaction as it suddenly occurred to me that I had already lived this life. And this life, I knew how to conquer. Because the only easy day was yesterday and that fire is supposed to be there. I then once again began to put pen to paper with the words coming to me like covid.
“ Holy shit a talking muffin. Help! The antichrist is here.... Get back demon muffin. Somebody go get Grogu.”
“ This is why I don’t talk to muffins. You are all a bunch of lunatics”
“ Your the one talking”
“ This oven isn’t even on”
Your Not Going To Believe This Story
You're not going to believe this story. I don’t even believe that it happened this way sometimes.I moved to phoenix without a job. I lived in a cockroach infested apartment. They would get into the coffee pot sometimes when I brewed in the morning. I got a spray bottle filled with rubbing alcohol and went to war with them for a year. Then the bed bugs came and the mattress had to be thrown out. I was incredibly sleep deprived once and I threw my car keys back in my car before I locked it. Later that evening I put my credit card into the vending machine cash insert. It didn’t return the card surprisingly and I had to explain what happened to somebody so I could get my credit card back and pay for the locksmith to open my car. There was that other time I accidently spent eight hours at the blackjack table( I broke even). One (CIA trained) Chef wanted me to “ Stage” for him. The job was to clear tables and I told him that I would just take that minimum wage that he had to pay me. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked on craigslist for jobs.
When I moved to Philly I actually accepted a position that was part time. That first apartment was almost a crack house( which I had the misfortune of smelling for the first time as well). There were no plates or utensils or glassware inside that four bedroom establishment. The windows were bolted so you could only open them three inches. If you move to a Colorado mountain town make sure you get a place with a kitchen because you’ll end up walking through the Walgreens, trying to find microwaveable food because you’ve had enough fast food. I suggest working in a hotel to feed off starvation. There is a reason Hemingway lived in the Keys.
In the last decade of my life I have discovered that all you need in this life are bread, cheese, rare steak, alcohol,sex,books, pen and paper. And in no particular order. I would also advocate that you embrace all absurdities that come along the way. If there was a god, he would surely hate me.
Ramble_12_18_21
Are we getting smarter as a society? It seemed so easy twenty years ago. You just watched cable television. There was no MacBook Air. Everybody kept in their ideological lanes. Idk.. Is this just a repeat. Why can’t I tell?
I know everything is more politicalized now. Is this because of baby boomers?. Is this what Orwall was actually trying to warn us about? Fuck. Why can’t I just be a moron. Those people don’t think.
Think. Is that why I think? Because I come from oppression? No white american has come from oppression in america. Maybe America needs to face a little oppression? To bring it back to normal. Too much freedom. That's why America cares about dog’s rights.
I used to hate Dijon mustard. Now it's the only mustard I crave.
Covid. Why is this still a thing? At this point, we are really interfering with Herbert Spencer's thinking.
…..
…..
…..
Jesus fucking christ. I had a whole story in my head. Alcohol + imagination = a lot of writers ….Its time to go to bed
Muffin In The Oven
There are two muffins in an oven and one muffin says ;” it’s hot in here”
and the other muffin says; “I spent the first four years of my life in an oven. Afterwards I was put into a fastly approaching social degrading environment to which no one would ever see coming. After the emotional and physical abuse I proceeded to live outside the world I came from in order to heal. I soon found a new environment in which I felt safe in and not simply because I was naive and didn’t know any better. It was almost ironic that the exposure mirrored my own prior absurdities. Now I have a hard time recreating my own shadow and that's why I’m in this oven. Also this oven isn’t on.”
Moving From The Chair
Yes. We both achieved what we both wanted but I still felt like she was smarter than me in this brief situation due to my own insecurity. Moving on from the chair. I found something else appealing to me. It connects to me deeply because I know I have already lived it and perhaps that is why I find it so romantic. The future struggle and its fate. This is nothing like the extensional feelings that I have felt before and it must be this that draws me in. Is this happiness that I feel? Maybe you could fuck off for a moment and let me be happy.
Where Do You Get Your Ideas
Where do you get your ideas
From my mind you idiot
Or from the first four years of the orphanage
Fox news
You are essentially asking, where do you get the fantasy of fucking the blonde at the end of the bar
I can simply write it better than you can fantasies about it
Which begs the question
What do I fantasize about?
I’ve Had A Rough Month With Anxiety
“I’ve had a rough month with anxiety”
Our generation seems to be driven by anxiety because we have never really had the struggle. So we make up the struggle. We have anxiety over our laundry. Laundry anxiety; Once in a generational struggle – No cure.
You better get over that anxiety because as you go along, you're probably going to find out that you're not accomplishing jack shit .
“ No you haven’t and no you didn’t “
“ How are you going to tell me how I felt?”
“ Both Sociopaths and Psychopaths are very good at appealing to people. Have you considered your one of those?” The girl remained silent with her mouth open. “ I would be worried about your sanity. I think your going crazy”
It’s Always Sunny
Its always sunny in Tucson, AZ. That's why I moved to to Philadelphia
Broken
Aren't some of us broken
Looking for purpose
Looking for that butter
Hello Friend
Hi! I know it's been a few months….. It irritates me to write en ingles knowing it won't translate correctly in español en some situations. I’ve learned that struggle.
When was the last time I wrote tu? Idk.
Ramble_003
Because I was funny in a few scenes in a movie, the whole world loved me. But I didn’t understand. I didn’t love myself. Those few scenes weren’t me. I was an actor……
He rejected his comedic act…
Why do we want to struggle like we are in the struggle? Simple. To keep us honest and humble for everything we have. Or we live life such a way
Ramble 10_18_21
Day after tomorrow _ with modern technology? Fake news
You didn’t let me even overcome the struggle. You left before you even saw the struggle… it was hard… I’m sorry you didn’t see it. I saw your IG life. You seemed way happier than I was during it and that's okay. There was clearly something wrong with me and I can admit that now. But now I can’t help but fucking smile. Smile at the misery and the pain. Its too bad you haven’t felt this because if you had you would be smiling right now.
I Don’t Feel Like Working Harder
I don’t feel like working harder. Because I am a lazy piece of shit. Because I will never amount to anything other than the bare minimum that it takes to survive in this world. The suffering I do is enough and I do not have enough ambition to suffer anymore nor would I want to. The real problem is that I am normal. I have no great thoughts floating in my head or words that need to be written down. I will continue this mediocre life because I do not want to work harder.
Sad Song (Oasis)
Sing a sad song
In a lonely place
Try to put a word in for me
It's been so long
Since I found a space
You better put in two or three
We as people, are just walking 'round
Our heads are firmly fixed in the ground
What we don't see
Well it can't be real
What we don't touch we cannot feel
Where we're living, in this town
The sun is coming up and it's going down
But it's all, just the same at the end of the day
And we cheat and we lie
Nobody says it's wrong
So we don't ask why
'Cause it's all, just the same at the end of the day
We're throwing it all away
We're throwing it all away
We're throwing it all away at the end of the day
If you're needing
Something I can give
I know I'd help you if I can
If you're honest, and you say that you did
You know that I would give you my hand
Or a sad song
In a lonely place
I'll try to put a word in for you
Need a shoulder? Well if that's the case
You know there's nothing I wouldn't do
Where we're living, in this town
The sun is coming up and it's going down
But it's all, just the same at the end of the day
And we cheat and we lie
Nobody says it's wrong
So we don't ask why
'Cause it's all just the same at the end of the day
Don't throw it all away
Don't throw it all away
Don't throw it all away
Don't throw it all away
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
You're throwing it all away at the end of the day
Resigning
As of Friday June 25 I am voluntarily resigning from my position of Banquet Captain. I thank you for the opportunity and wish the best for your property.
I would like to inform you that my resignation was purely based on the fact that I did not feel that my opinion nor experience would have impacted your operation under the current food and beverage leadership. I give the example that both Ashley and Guisela failed to show me any clear vision or framework as to how “ We” would like to operate the Food and Beverage department. I would highly suggest that you bring somebody on with FB management experience. I see great potential for your property and promise you that it will only get busier. Again thank you for the opportunity and I enjoyed working with everybody.
Do You Wanna Talk About It
Lets talk about that fucking pandemic.This amount of solitude was unwanted. They didn’t even call me about my car warranty. What did you discover about yourself during the pandemic? If you didn’t discover anything, you're lying to yourself or you live in Florida. Did anyone lie to themselves about the effects of this pandemic? I lied to myself and said I wasn’t depressed and lonely. This must have been what it was like to live in Soviet Russia...Calm down, I’m half russian and therefore am allowed to make that joke. Any, “ Living my best life” IG posts? I think someone could really find themselves during these times so I’m not going to rip on that actually. Which divorce couple hurt you the most? I was hurt by Afflack and De Armas and every week I prayed for Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard.
Let's talk about Sex? How do you know if you have a porn addiction? I found it ironic that some women stated that they didn’t want to hook up while they were on the app for hooking up. Maybe this is the lie you told yourself. What happened to free porn? Everyone is doing OnlyFans now?
Let's talk about music. Juice Wrld- Come and Go, song of the pandemic? Powfu- Death Bed was pretty good too. I was only minorly obsessed with MGK- Tickets to My Downfall album. Forget me too.
Lets talk about Tik Tok. Just kidding, fuck that shit.
Let's talk about our favorite movie and series binged. For me it was the film Palm Springs and HBO’s The Leftovers. I firmly believe that Netflix was running out of shows and films because I watched a Mormon Murder Documentry that was just as interesting as you would think a Mormon Murder Documentry would be. I would also recommend David Attenborough, The Year Earth Changed unless you're closed minded and only think you were the only one affected by the pandemic.
Let's talk about books? I desperately want to know what J.D. Salinger would have thought about all of this. I bet he would have come out of his recluse. Wouldn’t that have been something? I learned that Steve Jobs was an asshole, I also share the same Myer-Briggs profile so I actually learned alot from his biography. Other than that, Nietzsche was a bit of a cry baby and the Virus section in the biology textbook ( Campbell) made me understand that I really know nothing about Virology and should leave it to the experts. But please tell me how it actually is since you're also not a doctor.
Let's talk about alcohol. Did you know that the state of Oregon only has a selection of no less than ten selections of IPA’s in their beer selections. The pandemic made beer and alcohol boring. I felt like I was trying to turn the alcohol into heroin so that it would make days go by faster. But it never did as I always awoke the next morning awaiting to seize the fucking day. Should I have learned latin during this period?
Let's talk about the future. Shit! I always thought I had been through some stuff and knew how to get out of most holes in life but I was wrong. Was this my generation's Great Depression? Do I remember how to talk to girls? Have they all remained celebite too? Shit, they were proboby happier than I was during it. How long is it cool to talk about which vaccine you got? Do you show them which arm you got the shot? Is that the new normal social display of solidarity? Here’s to the loneliness, it will soon be over, thanks for holding on with me, cheers!
-The ramblings of a socially deprived individual of the Great Pandemic
My Year of Solitude
05/21/21
When you are living in a pandemic you often repeat the Pixies song “Where is My Mind”. This is often followed by the long involuntary process of reflecting on your life in a Fight Club kind of way. You soon realize that the volume did get turned down on almost everything in your life and everyday is a copy of a copy. The never ending uncouples amount of time eventually leads to rage.The rage against all the other rage. The rage against failure, your failure. If only I could use my penis as a pogo stick, I could surely fly to the moon and restart my life. The rage against Jack’s luxurious banquet server.
If I gave up on the dream, it would mean letting the pandemic win. That I let it change everything about me. That there wasn't a single thing I could hold on to. That the depression, sadness,isolation and the tears were all for nothing. I will not let it tell me that nothing matters.
That It didn’t take everything from me.It can have happiness,friends,family and the job. It can take the sex,alcohol,books and the dog. But it will not take the dream.Because the Dream gets you through the hard times.
You Met Me At A Very Strange Time
I feel like I’m going to explode. That I wasn’t made for this mormon life. I need that calzone. I want that insta life. I want a horse with a name. How the fuck did I get here. Ow yeah…
When you live in a pandemic… Let me rewind. I was Jack’s luxurious banquet server, until I wasn’t. Because for some weird cosmetic reason my industry was in decline back in 2019. I will not go into the details but it was either leave my hotel or starve; And neither my hiring manager or HR gave a fuck if i starved. So that was nice. I was bitter about the whole thing. So I drove for four days to stay with my sister and her family while I got my shit together.
Amazon_1
The state that my mind is in right now. Its a fight with boredom. How do other people get through the day. Everytime I see a book in this place I open it. I wish there was some sort of test to determine If I’m crazy yet. I guess I should be happy that I have a history book in my head. I was thinking about Thomas Hobbs just now; nasty,brutish, and short. This led to thinking about King Henry the 8th which led to the oral history of Thanksgiving. Sometimes when you look at the past, you realize it all has been done before in one way or another. There are many times that I wonder if someone else in history was feeling the exact same way as me. Maybe my story has already been told/
“ You met me at a very strange time in my life”
The phrase of the year.
It's kind of cold in this warehouse. Do you wanna build a snowman. I memorized Hurt by Johnny Cash after my grandpa died.
I had this one teacher in 8th grade that i was a little asshole to. One day I didn't bring something to read for class so she gave me a newspaper to read. This happened a few more times until one day I didn’t see a newspaper with her. She said she forgot to grab one. Through the rest of my life I went out of my way to read a newspaper.
The rain is falling so hard, I can hear it on the roof. Do you wanna hear a story? It's a fantastic story about an epic adventure. There is love in it but people don’t call it a love story. There is heartbreak but comedy takes care of that.
“ Its been a long day without you my friend and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again”
Do you know the steve miller song?
” Time keeps on slippin into the future”
“ Sitting, waiting,wishing”
“ I wanted to change the world”
I have Uncle Jeff's order. How do people move so slow. How do they get anything done in life moving that slow.
Amazon_3
Written sometime at work
Hey there Meli
What's it like in Tandil
I’m 5000 miles away
But you still look so pretty yes you do
Has this Virus affected you, like it has me
This song sounds better in my head, I know it's true
I don’t know why I can’t get rid of you in my head
You live 5000 miles away
Hey there Meli, what's the Asado like in your town
I bet it's better than the mexican’s one
You look so pretty in the IG stories that I’ve stalked.
My only intent in writing this was to make you laugh
I hope I did
Ow it's what I write at work, it's what i write at work
Amazon_2
I’ve been working in this warehouse too long
All my memories have become one
I keep waiting for you in them
It's been way too long
I’ll just take the straw
I’ve been working in this warehouse too long
I have to fight back the tears that these memories have brought back
I wish the sun would come out
I guess I’ll just take the straw
I’ve been working in this warehouse too long
I can see the future now after all
The memories are almost gone now
I guess I’ll take the straw
Covid_5
I would like to inform you that you have permanently engraved a presence in my writing as of late and despite what you think, this is the result of the pandemic. I really have to ask you, how normal did you feel in the last six months? I feel alot better now. Shit, the last few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time writing. By writing I mean the whole process. Thinking, writing, delete writing, think some more, write, edit writing and repeat.
I need to tell you something and I’m a bit afraid to tell you because I feel like I will know your response which is actually a good thing for me.
I went through a really bad deppresion and I thought I knew what depression felt like before but I was wrong. I don’t really care about what excuses you had because I thought you knew me and I felt betrayed by you. If i'm honest, there are very few people who could say they weren't changed by this pandemic. I felt so bad one day in february, I just wanted to see a friendly face, so I called you. You didn’t answer and you didn’t give one shit about it. I didn't really want to live after that….
I’m sorry but this pandemic wasn’t easy despite what you may have thought. Its funny cause you called me and asked about our break up back in September.
Amazon_4
The days seem to be short and long at the same time
Even the sunset lost its glow
This fucking wharehouse is my own prison sentence
The prison I get for self indulgence
It leaves me envious of the past and somber
The muffin man
Fuck Yo muffin man, its all about strawberry shortcake
Violets are blue and so are my balls
Back in the days of Covid
Covid Poem_2
There is going to come a day when I’m no longer depressed
When I’m not trapped inside my head
When I’m not trapped in this room
When the far green country is waiting for me
You should try being lonely, depressed and horny
I’m chasing the memories with the vodka
Trying to fix this damage
There is gonna come a day
I wonder when I will stop thinking about her
Covid_3
I’ve had some solitude… okay a lot of solitude and too much makes you crazy and I think I was turning crazy at times. I’ve been writing and it feels great. Like I found an old friend and we went out for drinks. I found myself in my writing…like my old self.
I wish I was you in this situation because then I could live in an infinite amount of bliss. Ignorance bliss but still bliss
Why didn’t you try to contact me? Couldn't you tell that something was wrong?
What if we just hated each other Mel? It would be easier then. I want you to hate me, be angry at me. Maybe I could get an angry reaction out of you if I tried. Jk. I know how to get you angry.Hey can I ask you a question?What has felt normal to you in the last year?
Do you think you could hate me? Since you can't see me
Did you think it was me?
My Anxiety
I listened to this young Youtube personality during the pandemic. I had started to watch her because I found her mildly entertaining in the beginning. She never got more interesting as the months went by but I looked at her channel ever so often. She was always saying things in the same way and she would often talk about certain topics in proximity to her targeted audience. Things that her audience would like. I’m guessing her target audience was teenagers. She had a video called “ Recovering from a meltdown LOL”. Apparently she had anxiety.
I really don’t understand why everyone's mental problem is anxiety. Though I understand the pressure of making new content every week can probably become stressful.. I watched a channel where they eventually had to give it up because the amount of stress was not worth it anymore. When things stopped becoming fun. I was sad to see that channel go.
I watched the whole video about her mental breakdown and her anxiety. You have to ask yourself, If you have anxiety over your feelings and stresses. What do I call what I’m feeling? Compared to Robin Williams or Anthony Bourdain, what is your anxiety really about? Compared to this video, and how i feel, I think I may be crazy. A Fucking lunatic.
My Great Depression
I can not put into words the loneliness and despair that I’m feeling. I do not know what to call this.
I tried to call you the other night. I just wanted to see a friendly face.
What will it feel like when it swallows me? Every dream has died, every memory has been lost. All the tears dried up.
There is darkness inside me and it will not get out. It will not let me dream while I sleep. It will not let me breathe.
Where would I even go?Nobody is here. What have I become?
Have you enjoyed your depression? Where do you think you are going?
Fuck You
I am your life. There is nothing for you and everybody has left you.
Fuck you! It's gonna get better.
You Already said that before. Six months ago. Drink the whiskey and I will cradle you into bed. Give you those memories back right before you sleep.
Amazon_6
There is a flame inside of me that I will not let die
It has kept me warm
At times I cursed its existence
There is a flame inside of that I will not let die
It has tried to let me die, I don;t think it like me very much
It will not tell me its purpose and I can only look at its smug face
There is a flame inside me and it will not die
I see it in the coldest and darkest days
Why won’t it leave me alone, I just want to be left alone.
Stupid Jerk
There is a flame inside of me and it won’t leave me alone
It keeps me up at night and I beg for it to leave but all I get is that smug face
There is a flame inside of me and it will not let me die
Why Banquets made me a Nihilist
What we tell ourselves to justify fifty an hour is on the border of delusional and insanity
I am not the urn of coffee that you overpaid for
I am not the buffet of food I set out for you to eat
I am the motivation to take your coffee garbage
I am the motivation to replace your soup
I am the motivation to give you more butter
I am Jack’s unmotivated banquet server
I notice the few tea bags missing
I notice the smudge on the coffee urn
I notice the order of soda and juice
I notice that none of this fucking matters
I am Jack’s Wall Street Journal
I am the buffet leftovers I eat
I am the stolen cigar
I am the wikipedia page that i read about your organization
Ladling soup at lunch is just like the soup kitchens
I can offer you a boardroom to fuck on during a wedding
I can offer you a boardroom to snort coke
I can offer you a boardroom for the hostile takeover
What we tell ourselves to justify fifty an hour is on the border of delusional and insanity
I am not the cigarette breaks
I am not the coffee refresh
I am not the dinner cornbread
I am not the votive placement
I am not the salt and pepper placement
The staff is eating Lamb Lollipops at your expense
Jack doesn’t care about your fucking entitlement
Jack wants to fuck you
Jack returned the rolex to you
I am Jack’s wasted life
